The Reason (why) I sing

I'm in Kyoto, Japan. 

The "NESS" of that statement, fills my heart with so much gratitude & humility at this moment, it's almost overwhelming. As it SHOULD be. A little suburban urbanite like myself from Cincinnati, Ohio SHOULD, in my humble opinion, feel what I'm feeling at this very moment. However, when I awoke this morning.. I was feeling overwhelmed, but not in a good way. 

I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I was overwhelmed by being UNDERwhelmed with myself. I felt inadequate, and I felt fraudulent. I felt like SOMEHOW, I'd managed to DUPE a bunch of people into believing that I was some "special talent"...and that the truth of the matter is that I'm just an "ok" singer, with a lot of excuses as to why I couldn't do what I'd come aaaaaaaall the way to japan to do. 

My voice hasn't been in top condition in WEEKS... I've been battling negative thoughts, worry, and anxiety about it... This morning, I was LOSING that battle.

Today I gave an 80 min concert in chapel at Doshisha University. Due to the powerful combo pack of anxiety & jet lag from a 14hr time difference between home&here; I awoke about 6hrs before my alarm was set. I tried to pray.. ACTUALLY... I didn't really try to pray... I was more WHINING at God about how STUPID and INADEQUATE I was feeling... I also tried as much as I could to do some vocal warm ups...

Anyway.... To make a long story short.. After reaching out to friends on FB and asking for prayer... I went and did what I came here to do. As usual for me, as I poured my heart out in song, I forgot all about my worries. I forgot all about who I am and focused who HE is... And everything was beautiful. My perspective was back in the right place, and I was all too grateful for it.

After the concert, I was approached by several students who expressed their appreciation for my ministry. I gave a Christmas concert. A Christmas concert at nearly any college in America is nothing to really pay any special attention to. Doshisha University was the 1st Christian college in Japan, but most of it's students aren't Christian at all. So when a young male student approached me with his eyes filled to overflowing with tears, and told me that while I sang, he felt LOVED and that Christmas and the message of Christmas was for HIM, personally... I thought that my heart would stop... 

Later in the afternoon, I spent time with a beautiful young lady who is also a student at Doshisha. We spent a couple of hours in conversation together. (THANK GOD for my incredible host, who served as a translator for the both of us.)

In that time she shared some of the issues that she was facing. Very deep, serious and personal issues... As soon as she began to tell me her story my eyes filled with tears. As I listened to her questions and concerns my mind went back to how I was feeling just hours before. How Ill-equipped and inadequate I'd felt. As she told me her story I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I HAD been equipped for this trip, and not only that, I'd been HAND PICKED by God for it. I KNEW, really and truly knew that I'd been sent, over 15,000 miles away from home to come and bring MYSELF, all of myself... hoarse voice, flaws and all to japan, to minister. 

One of the questions I was asked while we spoke was, "Why do you sing Gospel music?" She elaborated on her question and asked why I CHOOSE to travel across the world to sing about Jesus. I could tell as I shared MORE of my testimony with her, that she was very shocked to know that she and I had very similar stories. In my opinion, neither one of us look at ALL like people who have experienced the kind of pain that we have. The candor and purity of her question struck me. I realized in that moment that I'd never been asked that question in that way. I searched my heart and gave her the most honest answer that I could. I choose to sing gospel music, I choose to "sacrifice" my time, my finances, and many other things because HE chose me. He chose to save me from the darkness that would have overtaken me. He chose to free me from the pain of the evil done to me at the hands of others, and he chose to free me of the pain I caused myself. 

I don't say this poetically, I mean this truthfully and entirely... I SHOULD BE DEAD. There is NO other reason that I am alive today, BESIDES the Redeeming Love of Jesus. I was reminded today of the reason that I sing the songs that I sing, the way that I do. I have been loved, truly loved by the God of the universe. I have known the deepest depths of the darkest anguish, and I know by HEART, the song of the redeemed. 

Today, I was reminded MYSELF of the reason that I sing... That reminder would have been precious to me had I been in PERFECT voice and able to sing every note I choose without hesitation, thought, or struggle. BUT, something in my own frailty, causes the reminder to be even more sweet, dear, and cherished....

I sing because, I am LOVED.. Truly loved, by God.

The Healing began, and continues...( A post in honor of Mo' & a testament to a FAITHFUL God)

**Disclaimer: THIS post is gonna be a long one. I've MUCH to say, and don't reeeeally wanna be bothered with monitoring a word count... So I understand if you just wanna wait til the next post to read.. Hahaha**

Man. I can't believe how long it's been since my last post. It feels like time has flown by, with more speed than normal. Maybe it just seems that way because I'm getting SOOOO OLD... Lol. I don't know..

I'm writing this post from my hotel room in Osaka, Japan. I left for Japan on Thursday, December 4th. I've only been gone for 3 days but the days are already merging into one big blurb. I can't tell ya if it's Sunday or Wednesday... But I can tell you that it's been a wonderful trip so far.

The last time I was here was in September of 2011, and my dear friend and brother Maurice Carter had passed away months earlier in June. Maurice and a few others from my church, went to Japan months earlier in June. Maurice went home to be with Jesus, the day after they returned to the States. The loss was devastating. The SHOCK and disbelief... The pain... Monumental. It left all of us who knew him closely in more pain than we knew how to process.

When our team came to Japan in September, the pain of our loss was still palpable. Not just among those of us from America, but for those who'd met him while he ministered here... I marveled at the stories and testimonies I heard from "strangers" he'd only had one conversation with, who credited him for changing their lives. 

A beautiful song came from our pain entitled, "The Healing Has Begun". It's words were true. The more we ministered and sang, the more we prayed and cried; the more we witnessed and poured ourselves out.... The more healing came to out hearts. 

I for one, was inspired by the legacy and testimony of my friend, to live each day as if it could be my last. I became more mindful than I'd been before, that life is but a vapor. It's fleeting. Here one day and then suddenly gone. Your testimony is what lives on... I vowed to myself that I would live ON PURPOSE like I'd seen my friend Maurice do. 

He and I had countless conversations over the years where we talked about what our purpose was on this earth, and how hard it can be to pursue it with reckless abandon at times. 

When you choose to live in and on purpose, your relationships with loved ones are often challenged. Folks who truly love you, can hurt your heart terribly because they can't for the life of them understand why you'd CHOOSE to live the way you do. Financial peace can be hard to come by sometimes... Having love and romance in your life can seem impossible.. Your friends may feel slighted at times because you're always seemingly too busy for them. Many times it seems like you're working in vain. You find yourself feeling discouraged & alone when after years and years of hard work, faith and perseverance, your life doesn't look the way you thought that it would after all you've given up, to live the life that you were called to live. 

Maurice and I talked about this ad nauseum. We wiped each other's tears away many nights. My 1st visit to Japan left me more encouraged and determined than ever before to unashamedly be who God created me to be, and to work towards that end with reckless abandon! 

I received words of prophecy about the season I was about to enter in personal ministry by several people while we were in Japan.

All of the messages given to me said that God was about to send ME forth, into the nations. They spoke of the dreams and visions I've had about myself since I was a little girl. I was told that this new season was SWIFTLY approaching... And boy were they right.

When our team left Japan our hearts were so full it seemed like they'd burst. I could not WAIT to return the next year with our crew and minister again. Well...time moved on, and I moved to Orlando a few months later to be the worship leader for an awesome church in Orlando, New Beginnings Church. I didn't go with that team again any of their subsequent visits to Japan. *I may or may NOT have been slightly jealous of that fact... I can't say. Lol*

This year has been a BIGGIE for me in the way of the growth and further development of my own ministry. I set the  goal of having 3-4 songs recorded for my album before the year was up and I DID IT!! 

It wasn't easy. At times it seemed like NOTHING was going right. I battled hoarseness caused by seasonal allergies for MONTHS... I battled fear. I battled pride.... But God remained faithful, and I DID it.

My being in Japan right now is a testament to the faithfulness of God. He is doing what he promised to and I love him so much for it.

Today I have my first of several concerts. I've also been asked to preach. (ME.. PREACHING..AAAAGHHH!!! Lol)

I'll be honest and tell you that I'm a bit apprehensive at the moment. My voice still isn't fully back and I really feel quite limited.. Like I'm only working with about 12 and a half GOOD notes to my range kind of limited. It's NOT FUN. 

I'll be even MORE honest and tell you that I'm also feeling a tad disappointed. For nearly an entire year I've been working hard to make this trip happen, and now I'm here... But my voice is NOT... Fortunately, I know enough about how God works in situations like this to know that he's got it all under control, ESPECIALLY when I don't, and that's the only reason I'm not laying in bed this morning, crying a river... 

If I'm not mistaken, there was a point when Maurice was ministering here when his voice caused him some trouble as well... Did it stop HIM from giving his all, in every imagineable way? No. It did not. I'm not gonna let it stop me either.

Here's to the faithfulness of God, and the legacy of my buddy Mo'! I want to make God proud of me while I'm here!! It'd be awesome to think that Maurice would e proud of me a little bit too!

Now... If you'll excuse me, I've got to go work on my Japanese. I'm SUPPOSED to sing " Let it Go" from the movie Frozen today, partially in Japanese... And I've got to go Iron my PRIESTLY ROBES for my sermon today. PRAY for me!! Hahaha

Arigato!!!

~Lici~ 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDYMAN!! YOU'RE A GIFT TO US ALL!!

On THIS day, 21 years ago. My youngest brother was born. Shortly later, my parents received a phone call from the same agency they'd adopted myself and my OTHER baby brother from, alerting them that Christopher, my present baby brother at the time, had a brother, who'd just been put up for adoption.

I honestly don't think I will EVER forget the day that my parents called Christ and I into their bedroom and asked us to take a seat. I think we feared that we were in trouble, from what I can recall. We could tell that whatever we'd been called to their room for was SERIOUS...which MOST likely meant one of our childish pranks, or something had been found out, and we were gunna GET IT! Instead, I believe it was my father who started talking first. It's all a blur now, 21 years later, but I DO remember that it was my mother who told us the big news.... Chris had a brother, and our family had been contacted before any other, to see if we wanted to adopt him as well.

Well..... being the EXCELLENT, DUTIFUL, big sister, and eldest sibling that I was (cue my other siblings gag reflexes..) I was SO excited to hear the news. So, when my parents asked if Chris and I wanted another sibling, "YES" burst forth from my lips at the same time that Chris said "no"... I'm pretty sure "no" was his favorite word at the time... MUCH like it is mine now (though I rarely say it and mean it). But pretty sure our lives changed...for the better, FOREVER.

I remember the very first time we went to Andy's foster parent's house, to meet and see him for the first time. We'd been warned that he had some serious health issues, and eventually they told us that he had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Which just a few years ago we found out was completely inaccurate. Andy has a genetic disorder called Williams Syndrome. It effects VERY few. Very little is known about it. But once you've discovered what a "typical" Williams kid looks like... you'll be able to spot one out.. for the rest of your life. It STILL amazes me in the time since we found out what Andy has, that while singing at Disney, I spotted, conversed with, was hugged and complimented by 2 kids with Williams Syndrome. I also got to speak to families who've felt all alone in dealing with the syndrome of their child...

AS USUAL I DIGRESS...

My baby brother Andy.. Andrew Geoffrey Brown is PURE JOY to all who have ever met him. There's not a room he can enter and not light up. There's not a soul who can meet him, and not be in some way, changed for the better.

Growing up, both of my parents worked extremely hard to provide for our family. Not TOO long after the arrival of my baby brother, came the arrival of my sister. (SHE'D say my OLDER sister, we're like 9mos apart, so I say that doesn't count) Because of the grueling schedule my parents had for a while, and because I was the eldest sibling, and as such, I ran the roost when my parents were away. (which I got NOTHING but sheer pleasure from.) So, in many ways, that, matched with the significant age gap between Andy and myself, he felt more like my child than my brother. But honestly, Christopher, who is only near 4yrs younger than me, felt like my kid... I was just very protective. Andy being a baby had no choice but to let me "mommy" him when my mother was away. I say all this to say that him being 21 makes me feel REAAALLLY old... It also makes my heart swell so big, words (NEARLY) fail me.

Many kids who have Williams Syndrome are gifted musically.. in ways that defy what their supposed mental capacity is. Andy is no exception. The boy is a genius musician. His instruments of choice are the piano and taking after his big brother, the drums. It's literally ALIEN like, the way that he plays, whatever instrument he's playing.

Awhile ago, on a trip to Orlando with my parents, I brought him into the Voices of Liberty break room. I gave him STRICT instructions not to be a bother to anyone in there, not to get on the keyboard, not to talk anyone's ear off... Well... Before 2 minutes had gone by, he had  the attention of nearly everyone in that room. THEN before I knew it, he'd somehow jumped on a keyboard he'd never seen before in his life, set it to an "organ" type setting, and then nearly flawlessly played Bach's Toccata Fugue in Dminor.
Everyone cheered and clapped for him, which made his lil' soul SO happy... He really is SUCH a showman. Afterwards while I walked him back to where my parents were, I asked him how he'd learned that song. His answer was "I've watched it on Youtube like 3xs...sooooo...)
OF COURSE he had. That's my Andy. That's my baby brother.

I just got off of the phone with him. I asked if he'd had a great time celebrating, and asked what he did. He informed me that he had dinner with my family and his "girlfriend" at Fuddrucker's, had gone to Chuck E. Cheese's and had also gone to a mall near my parents and played music there...

After we talked about his day, HE took over with the questions. He asked WHEN (with great emphaticism on the word "WHEN") was I going to be back with his friends Beth Moore and her band. He asked how his friends at Voices of Liberty were doing. He asked if I'd talked to Danny, and the Voices of Lee, AND he asked about some of my friends from nasvhille, and even Cincinnati.. My parents left Cincy for Houston when I was nearly a Senior in college, Andy was probably 5 or so, but he remembers STILL my friends from when I was in high school. I filled him in on EVERYTHING. Told him who was having or had recently had babies.. who was married, when I'd see Miss Beth.... and he genuinely listened and responded with joy at the lives of my friends.

As I write, I'm literally doing everything that I can NOT to burst into tears. I don't think I'll ever know a sweeter soul than my baby brother.. and though he's gotten into his share of mischeif I've oftern wondered if this whole while, my family's been "entertaining an angel, unaware".

I remember life before Andy, and I actually remember a bit of life before my other brother.. The life of the Brown family became sweeter when Andy came into it, and complete when my sister joined our ranks.

I bless God today for my babyest-baby brother! I told him tonite that he was my favorite babyest-baby brother, and that Chris was my favorite baby brother. Andy's response?? "Aww, thanks Lici. You're too kind!"

I love that kid so much it hurts my heart sometimes.. I'm so proud of the lil' man he's become... He may be 21, and a grown man, but I told him tonite that he was ALWAYS gunna be MY Andyman, a nickname we gave him shortly after he became ours. I asked if that was Ok with him, or if he wanted me to start calling him Andrew... He answered as only HE could, "OF COURSE it's ok to call me that. I've got NO problem with that at ALL!!"

Happy Birthday Andyman- and THANK YOU SO MUCH for the light you brought into my world, the day you became my babyest-baby brother!! I love you so much! God knew this world needed a spirit like you in it... and so 21 years ago today, he blessed us. He blessed us ALL.

THAILAND!! I Can't BELIEVE it's not Buddher.. and many more great stories!!

SO!! I'm back from Thailand!!! I had the time of my life! It was my intention to blog each day while I was over there, BUT i'm not all, COOL and high-techy, and know how to do all that yet, SO, I figured the next best thing was to take notes on my phone daily, and then share them with you all, AFTER I got back to the states. I would like to say now, that there is a MAJOR time difference between Orlando and Thailand, SO... there MAY be some GRAVE grammitcal errors in this blog... I beg your forgiveness and ask that you just try to read through my sleepy, overwhelmed mumbo jumbo and just see the point!! I will NEVER forget the experiences I had in thailand, Nor the incredible folks that I met... and I pray to GOD that I get the chance to go back there next year for their conference, AND that God allow me to see more of this incredible world that he created with his own hand, for us to explore, and inhabit!!

Alrightie.. That said...  Happy Reading!!

Lici







Day1/2

Orlando-Detroit (met up with the team)
Detroit-Tokyo
Tokyo-Bangkok

Layover at Novotel in Bangkok
Was greeted in Bangkok by a temple that was right across our exit ramp into the airport.. Of COURSE I took a picture of it..

Awoke next am.. Had breakfast
Flew from Bangkok to Chang Mai .

At the hotel in Bangkok.. There were several HUUUGE statues of some god.. Not sure which one.. I of course photo 'd that as well.

1. At the hotel they asked if I wanted a smoking or non smoking room... I asked for non smoking.. I entered the room which was trendy and BEAUTIFUL and was greeted by renuzit and cigarette smoke.. So it dawned on me that the REAL question asked was if I wanted a room that still had a smoker sulking quietly in a corner of the room puffing away...OR. If I wanted a room that no one had smoked in, within a few hours of my checkin..

I've been surprised to see a few other blacks on this journey.. From Tokyo to Thailand... None of them so FAR have been American.. But black just the same...

I noticed in Japan how quiet people were in public places.. At the gate in Bangkok.. I felt like I should have brought a book with me, and had some homework to do... you could hear a rat pee on cotton it was so quiet... With the exception of toddlers or babies... Even the tv's at the gate were silent... You could LITERALLY WATCH TV... And that's all... No noise...

So.. We're on the last flight of our journey.. And I can't even remember the time difference.. At one point it was 13hrs.. At another 11... I'll figure it out before I get back to the states... SO glad to be part of this trip!!

Though I'm so sleepy I have no CLUE how I'll fare the rest of the day.. It's beautiful here.. I can't wait to get some sight seeing in after we minister! I wanna ride and elephant!!

I can't believe it's NOT Buddherr
Day2 cont'

We hit the ground running... I was under the impression that we'd fly into town and IMMEDIATELY get to working... To my wonderment and later my sheer bewilderment (because of the jet lag) today was just a day where our good friend Stephen Proctor showed us all around the town of Chiang Mai... It's a BUSY bustling city, and in same ways reminded me of some of the cities I visited in Japan a while back... A little over a year ago... The streets were busy, folks of all nationalities bustled about.. The Thai drive on the opposite side of the road like Brits.... So just staying out of the way and not being run over by a motor hike, 10 speed, tick tack as I call 'em for now because their real name always eludes me... Tik tock??? Yuk yuk... Tick-yack... I dunno... Basically wee lil' taxi's.....

We had breakfast in Bangkok, caught our plane, and then we went to eat.....

I, of COURSE was scared about what would happen to my tummy in the wake of my 1st Thai meal... It was wonderful

I think one of my FAVORITE moments about today, was visiting the oldest temple in Chiang Mai... There we walked the lovely grounds and even got the chance to go in and look inside of the temples... They're incredibly beautiful... Me being the history junkie that I am... It was hard for me NOT to walk around with my mouth agape... One of the temples we saw was the oldest in the city.. Being built in 800 BE (which I'm thinking means before enlightenment... But it definately has to do with the time that Buddha died)

After touring the temple sites, Proctor took us to an area where Monks sit and talk with tourists... It's called Monk Chat.. They like to improve their English speaking skills as well as answer questions that we may have about their culture and religion.. We spoke with a young monk from Laos, named Olay. He was a gentle soul and spoke very good English... We asked him questions, he asked us questions.. And before it was all done I'd been asked to sing both Whitney Houston's version of I Will Always Love You AND Hero, by Mariah Carey.... Of course I SUCKED in my opinion... I can't explain how nervous I get when asked to sing on the spot... You'd think I'd be used to it by now... But alas, I ain't!!

We told him that in America, Travis is a rock star and thru a series of events, Travis played his incredible song from his most recent cd "when the stars burn down" called "Thanks be to Our God"... Olay listened intently and then we all began to sing the chorus together... For Olay.. " hallelujah, everlasting songs will rise, for all you've done.. Hallelujah, hallelujah, thanks be to our God"...

I thought I would burst into tears... My heart was So Full from the entire experience. As a monk Olay lives a very disciplined lifestyle.. But he shared with us that even though he has been a monk for 10 yrs and plans to remain one for about 2yrs more... Once his studies are finished, he had the liberty to become christian, Muslim, or any other religion he chose, because Buddhism at its core is more of an ideology than a religion... He also stated that he believed he'd remained Buddhist... But WE believe and pray that his heart would turn towards The Lord Jesus Christ.

Well... All of the emotion quickly turned to hilarity.. When one of our team members asked Olay, who "Buddherr" was... Because he'd noticed at times that Olay would say Buddha, and other times because of his accent, he's say Buddherr.. Like (boot 'er ) IMMEDIATELY everyone in team fell apart... While trying to remain respectful and not make Olay uncomfortable...

Needless to say for the REST of the day... Buddherr this and Buddherr that was said as often as possible...

Later after dinner as we all climbed into the back of our taxi with was basically a truck with benches on the inside that had no closure on it... I yelled out " I can't believe it's not Buddherr!!" Being that around THAT time according to our bodies it was 10 am... Or 11, but 10-11pm thai time... We all were BEYOND silly... We laughed and cracked jokes all the way back to our hotel... And finally went to our rooms to sleep.

I will NEVER, EVER forget the memories made today... I've wanted to go to Thailand for as long as I can remember.. Today I saw things that previously i'd only read about in encyclopedias and watched documentaries on, on TV...

As I walked and talked today and took pictures of just about EVERYTHING I could see... I was in awe at the faithfulness of God...

Indeed... Thanks be to Our God....

Day 3 in Chiang Mai.

This am... Jet lag hit me like an 18 wheeler... I woke up early and had breakfast, but pretty much fell asleep while trying to eat it.. So I schlepped back to my room & slept until I couldn't sleep any longer.....

This afternoon Proctor took us to a cute lil' American style restaurant.. We ate and had a good time.. After lunch he told us that we were going back to the hotel, and jumping into a taxi and heading to some unknown location, where a surprise awaited us. Now... Let it be said that my dear sweet friend Stephen Proctor is a WILD, WILD, world traveling adventurous man.... He's stayed in villages in the amazon, he's been to Dubai more times than I can count... There is pretty much NOTHING that the boy would NOT do.. So, when HE says that he's got a surprise... There's a bit of you that wonders if by following him... You've signed your life away... At any rate we all hopped in the van, and headed on a 20 min journey to a place called TIRE KINGDOM!! Long story short.. We spent the afternoon inside of several "lions dens" we had the most amazing experiences of petting, and playing with Bengal tires of various sizes.. At the beginning of our time at Tire Kingdom, we were given the chance to choose which tigers we wanted to frolic with...

Many folks who know me would be shocked to know what a "dare devil" I can be at times...because they're more familiar with hearing me spout off about what I'm NOT gon' do..

Well... I was one of the folks in our group who chose to coddle the sweet lil' infant tiger cubs.. AND the ones that when you got near them, you immediately felt BEYOND small...
It was an amazing experience. We laid down next to them, we held their tails and their paws...
We started off with the babies and the worked our way up to the massive...fully grown ones...

Tomorrow we're SUPPOSED to be renting motor bikes and riding up to the top of a mountain..

Every day has been an adventure... AND the schedule of each day has been kept "secret"... I can't help but think about the journey that's ahead of me... I'm expecting great things, but I don't really have a CLUE of all of the adventures that await me... I'm the type that kinda wants to know what's going on... I actually like to be in CONTROL of my days... Rarely do I get to be "the boss of me" but the thing is that, if I were the one in control... I'd miss out on All of the amazing adventures God has in store ....

I am SO overwhelmed and feeling about 900 hundred varying emotions... But now, more than ever... I'm excited about the journey!!

Day 4...

This am we lead worship in service for the members and teachers of the organization that brought us here... The spirit of The Lord has been sooo thick as worship has gone on.... Being able to lead folks in worship who have given up their lives to go to all of the corners of the earth, teaching English in schools and universities... For the sake of the gospel..

One would think that when a person abandons all that is familiar to them, that there would be some sort of protection granted to them... Keeping them from the heartache of astounding loss... But we KNOW that's not the case. This very morning we heard the testimony of a very young couple who experienced tremendous loss in the course of a year.... The husband's mom and grand mom both lost their jobs.. The wife's grandfather died unexpectedly.. And THEN to top it all off... They miscarried their 1st baby. The mother was in painful labor for 10days before the process of the miscarriage was finished.... All while in china, far removed from family, and familiarity... Sometimes the journey that we've been called to is ridden with pain, heartache, and many things that are almost way more than we can take....

Im reminded this morning that its in our weakness that Christ is made strong... We don't have to worry about carrying the heavy load of life alone... Though we may feel like we're going to crumble because of the pain in our hearts and sometimes even physical pain in our bodies... Our help, hope, healing, both emotional and physical, is in Christ our Savior...

I don't know if I've ever felt more honored to lead a congregation of believers... Nor more encouraged to push through whatever is ahead...

We sang a song this morning in worship that says " oh my God. He will not delay, my refuge and strength always.. I will NOT fear, his promise is true, my God WILL come thru... Always".....

How true those words.... how true.
Scripture says "He renews our strength like eagles" meaning he gives us new zest and vigor, strength for the path e's set for us!! I believe I'm going to return back to Orlando renewed, refreshed, and energized for what is ahead of me, in Jesus name!!

Psalms 103:19-22

Day 4 cont... We climbed a mtn to see one of the largest temples in Thailand.. And I closed out the day by having a thai foot massage with my friend from college Johnny Moore!! God is GREAT!!

Day 5

I was challenged by my friend Angela Cottrell, Travis's wife, to speak life and blessings over my body.. She ALSO told me that I needed to forgive my body.. For all that's happened... I.E. gaining back all the weight I spent so much time losing.
Before Ieft for Thailand I was talking with another friend who basically said the same thing... I'm a critical person... Many times its a good thing, MOSTof the times it's NOT such a good thing... I'm ESPECIALLY hard on myself... Have been for as long as I can remember. It's always been easier to find something negative about myself... And just keep beating myself up, than to compliment myself or even accept compliments from others...

Today for our "fun time" we'd all planned to go zip lining. At first I was afraid, I was petrified... Lol. Very much worried about my weight and size and etc... But I decided to push thru it all, and go have fun with my friends, despite my worry that I'd be too "big" to play...

Well... We travel up canyons and mountains, hither, thither, and yon' and we all pay our money... Sign our lives away... And get suited up to go zip lining, and my worst fear played out, in front of all my friends.... My harness didn't fit.... I just about fell apart... But then I remembered a sweet moment I had a breakfast...this morning. I was sitting alone in a corner.. Looking out at the city& people watching.. When a really pretty red headed lady came up to me and said that she realized that what she say may come off weirdly, but she wanted to tell me that she thought I was strikingly pretty...

I blushed, thanked her, and went back to doing my thing... All the while thinking of all the reasons what she said to me wasn't true... But how sweet it was that someone would see me... And just say such a sweet thing...

I was so ashamed, sad, embarrassed and a million more feelings.. Then I remembered that sweet lady who went out of her way.. To say something SO kind to me... I had to run off and collect myself for awhile... I was afraid that because of my humiliation, I would cry in front of everyone...

There were thai folks laughing at the fact that harness didnt fit me safely.. My friends were sad for me.. Which embarrassed me further.. But the kind words of a perfect stranger this am.. Stuck with me...

Later it's STILL got me thinking... I should spend more time complimenting friends and strangers alike... Not gratuitously... Sincerely.. Because you never know how much those kind words you say to them may bless them both in that moment, AND later on... When they're just feeling a little low...

Day 6

This am we got to lead worship for the conference. I've STILL not fully wrapped my mind around how free and joyfully folks in the congregation have been worshipping. Many, if not most of the folks attending this conference, teach English in communist countries in Asia. In some cases.. Many of the missionaries here, aren't allowed to do anything BUT teach, and go back to their compound... They're not able to be involved in the cities an towns that surround them... They're simply allowed to go to work... And then return home. They can't mention the name of Jesus openly.. They don't have the BILLIONS of church options that we have in America... They don't have the luxury of saying things like, " I don't like the music at THAT church" or " I don't like the pastors' style of teaching/preaching" They can't complain about the fact that there's too much choral music being sung& not enough praise and worship music.. Or vice versa. They have forsaken all of the luxury of their native land... To go and follow the call of God on their life. Consequently when they come to this yearly conference, they get to worship and pray and sing without restriction! Without having to worry about someone hearing them and turning them into the authorities...

Honestly speaking, I've never been so blessed by a congregation of believers, in all of my life!!

I'm so grateful to God for allowing me to be a part in what's been taking place here... It's been life changing.. In SO many,many, ways...


Tonite at a banquet a young lady said something like, sometimes you have to change who you are, so that you can be who were called to be..

Philippians 3:7-8
"Whatever gain I had, I've counted them as loss for the cause of Christ"...

I'm sitting here, at a banquet amongst about 600 families who have literally forsaken all they ever known as "home", to go into some of the "darkest" of the earth to go and minister to those who don't know him... I'm just about overwhelmed, to the point of tears as I look around and think of it took for these precious people to sell all they had, and raise their money to give their lives, to reach out to those who may have literally NEVER heard of Jesus... Or who may have "heard" of him, but the government in the countries that they live in forbid them from pursuing further knowledge about The Lord...

I'm looking around in this beautiful ballroom we're in, the Shangri-la hotel, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that God allowed me to be present in this moment. I'm thinking of how as a small child I prayed and prayed that God would allow the gifts he'd given me to allow me opportunities like this one... To minister in song in to his people, and I'm blown away that he's allowed me to do just that... I've done NOTHING to deserve this moment... My heart is so full... And we're about to take the stage and lead these incredible missionaries in worship with some of my closest friends.... I'm praying from the bottom of my heart that God do something special for these precious people tonite.... Something that they'll be able to carry with them when days are hard..& they wonder of they did the right thing... I pray that they leave this conference refreshed, loved on, and fueled up for what it is they've been called to do...

A missionary teacher tonite said "There's nothing too great to give up, for what we receive, for our obendience"
No
Travis sang the hymn A Mighty Fortress is Our God tonite. It's one of my favorite hymns of all time... These lyrics pierced my soul tonite, maybe more than ever before, probably becuse of where we are right now...
"Did we in our own strength abide, our battle would be losing, were not the right man on our, the man of God's own choosing...... Let goods and kindred go, this mortal life also, the body they may kill, Gods' truth abideth still... His kingdom is forever!"

Day 7

I RODE AN ELEPHANT THRU A RIVER!!!! I let Proctor drive.. I almost killed myself AND the poor sweet, huuuuuuge elephant just learning how to mount it properly... There IS video of this horrid, but invigorating endevour...

Day8

We're on our way to a treehouse resort!! We're gunna see a "rainbow spring", climb a limestone mountain and get to a waterfall... And have all kinds of OTHER fantastic adventures today! I'm still sore from swimming with Dumbo's great grandmama... But it's gunna be AWESOME!!

Day8 continue

I don't think I've ever been more physically pooped than I am at this present moment... I was JUUUUUST about to start mentally whining to myself about how my " this, and that and my waaaa waaaa hurt" JUST nearly needing the "waaaaaa-mbulance" to come and save me and then I stopped for a brief moment and just took in this present moment. Right now, I'm in a wee lil house.. High up in the trees, out in the jungle of Thailand. It's a pretty high and narrow climb, but how many of my friends can say they spent the night in a treehouse village.. In beautiful cottages overlooking a river and the sounds if nature surrounding them? I've got some pretty adventurous friends... But not many have to me of moments like this.... Right before we got to the treehouse a we literally climbed a limestone waterfall... Basically, a wee mountain with a fresh spring running down it... Now, I KNOW that I use the word "wee" quite a bit.... But don't let the word MOUNTAIN escape your observation... At first glance I was tired and whiny, just climbing down the stairs, barefooted, that had been carved into the mountain... But somehow in MY feable mind, it would all be ok.. Because things would tidy up once we got to the foot of the dang thing, and we could look at the remarkable handy work if God, being the waterfall... And THEN I look up.. And my team mates have all began climbing and the daunting reality of what I'd just gotten myself into hit me.... The only way up... That allowed me to maintain just the slightest portion of my dignity, was to get to climbing like the rest if my WEE, healthy, tiny lil team mates were doing.

Mentally I was flipping OUT... Images of being teased in gym class for not being able to climb a rope flooded my head.. The shame of folks watching me try and try again to mount a stinkin' elephant just yesterday, came to mind... The pain of ripping the skin underneath my toes while swimming in the river with the elephants were ALSO a factor in my fear.... But I began to climb... I decided to only look up when absolutely necessary so my mind wouldn't get bogged down with how far I had left to climb... I just found a place to dig my foot into, and a rock that I could pull myself up with... And I went for it.... Everything was going great! It was scary As BUTT, but awesome, with fresh water splashing down the falls into my face.

I was nearly at the very top when all of a sudden I hit a patch of slippery rock, I lost my footing... And began to fall down the mountain. INSTANTLY tears came to my eyes... As well as laughter, once I was assured that I'd not died.... Proctor and Wes came immediately to my aid.. And offered to give me a lift... To push me up the rock further... Then we notice some sweet, country hopping hippy types right behind me and they TOO offer to help me... One was a man, 2 were women who were climbing the limestone waterfall with a decent amount of ease and in flip flops... All were very worried about my welfare... And they even got a tad skiddish themselves when the realized how I'd slipped and how easy it was to do the same thing.... Still laughing through my fear, and utter embarrassment... Eventually my boys helped me navigate my way up the rest of the waterfall... Sweet Wes said.... "I know you think I'm a skinny white boy, but I PROMISE, I won't let you fall"... So with Proctor giving me a bit of a butt shove, my legs I. Some weird spider man configuration And sweet Wes grabbing me by the hand.... I climbed the limestone waterfall....

Of Course I remained ashamed of myself for a long while... I was SO
MAD that what had seemingly been so easy for every one else, had been quite the challenge for me. Once I reached precipice, our sweet tour guide, Mink... Gave me 2thumbs up and told me that it had taken many folks before me, to successfully reach the top on their first try....
I thanked him... But remained flustered on the inside for quite awhile...

Now I'm here in a tree house home... With all manner of nature all around me... And it's starting to dawn on me that this trip has served several purposes in my life.... I've never been shy in declaring what I'd NEVER try or do.... In this one trip alone I've played with tigers, lions, ridden elephants.. Climbed a waterfall, eaten foods that I KNEW would wreck Rashad on my tummy...
With the season that lie ahead of me where so much of what lies ahead for me is unknown and scary... I'll always be able to have a " bethel" moment in mind... And recall when overcame huge friends and insecurities.

I'm also reminded that accepting from someone who's a bit stronger than you.., or in a better position than you are, at the moment... Doesn't make you weak... It actually makes you stronger...

"Hmm... Arsenio Hall said it best... Things that make ya go hmmm..."
I've got much to think on tonite as I asleep to the sounds of huge crickets and tree frogs...

Day 8

I woke up this morning...hardly able to move... My body was sore I a way it's not been in a LOOOONG time... AND... All of the lovely spices of the east began to catch up with me, last nite... So... When I wasn't awakened by what seemed like spider monkeys practicing for some big show... My tummy woke me up with great zeal and gusto..., I did not partake in going to see yet another spring this morning, which was the orginal plan.,, because I was scared of what my tummy would do to me. This am I had toast and garlic rice.... Oh and cereal.... And then we said our good byes to the amazingly sweet spirited family's who ran the resort, and we headed back fl Chiang Mai. I packed, showered and enjoyed my last the massage, which I give ALL CREDIT.. To the reason why I can move a limb without a tear coming to my eye...
In jumped on a plane.., to Bangkok this evening... And I fly to Tokyo tomorrow at 5am... And then to JFK, and then to Orlando...

God is SO faithful to me. He used every bit of what I experienced in Thailand to change my point of view on a view things and give me courage for the weeks to come... I remember when I was young, ( a kid) wishing that I had some INCREDIBLE testimony about how God had delivered me from this and that,., so that be could get abosolutley glory From my life... I had no idea that. some of my story would include Buddhist temples, laying with lions or swimming with elephants...but it had been beyond anything i could have e ever dreamed for myself...

Tomorrow am at 3 I go to the airport and prepare for about he 20 hrs or so of flying and then it's back to my "usual" life for a few more weeks.. My last day at Disney is march 13th and then it's all in Gods hands from there... I'm excited about what lies Before me... Yet I've got peace like crazy... Because I know that God has had is mighty hand all up i my junk since I as small... It's fully I his hands now? God bless the ministers who have given up EVERYTHING to follow Gods plan for their lives...i Wishing To be THAT BOLDEN 0!3 day.... In Tthe mean time.. Fall out .., 3am Will be bree momentatily!!! Ciao for now!!

Lici

I'm flying home now.. A process which started yesterday nite with me leaving Chiang Mai, for Bangkok. Once in Bangkok, I spent the night at a Novotel.., a hotel basically connected to the airport... I left my hotel room at3:15 am for a 5:55 am flight to Narita( tokyo) from Tokyo I fly to New York... This flight is about 13 hrs... And then finally home, back to Orlando. Back to my reality.

Who knew that it would take meeting missionaries from all across the world.. Laying with tigers, riding and swimming with elephants, and staying in a treehouse built higher than high in a tree in the middle of the jungle for me to be ready what lies ahead of me in the weeks to come. I've got to move, AGAIN... Making thins 3xs in a twelve month period... In order to try and save a little cash... Since my "normal" job end march 13th... I've got to go home, face my NORMAL challenges.., AND somehow find the money for movers... And get packed and ready to go by march 1st... I've got responsibilities at Disney and at church... I've got man to love and take care of.. Which is no chore... But coupled with some of my physical issues that I've not been able to get a handle on during my time with health insurance, has proven challenging....


Yet and still I feel like in the light of the stories I've heard and the remarkable people I've met.... I've truly got nothing to be fussy about. Sure sometimes by body hurts so bad, it causes me to burst into immediate tears and the only things that I can do is hold on to the hand on my incredible boyfriend and best friend... And litterally whisper the name Jesus... Until some of the pain subsides just a little...

But soon I'll be back at my church where I can openly cry out to The Lord in worship, and many times in the midst of my pain... Without having to worry about the police coming to take me away. I can even talk about my feelings on God and religion without much worry...

I can walk up to a local stranger, converse with them, and offer to pray with them in Jesus name... Anywhere I please...

The same God who billions, or thousands of years ago, depending on your creationism beliefs.... Created the mountains and the rivers and allowed time to go past so that eventually i could literally climb a waterfall with just my bare hands and feet.... Is the same God who created those MASSIVE BEASTS... The elephants and have them the intellect to be trained by tiny people who dwarf them in size.., and allow them to ride them, feed them, pet them, kiss and love on them..

Is the same God who is in control of my destiny!! He's not phased by my constant worries about how this bill or that bill will be paid, or how things will come together for me in life... But Loves me enough to allow me to cast all often cares in him!!

He loves me SO much that he allowed me to witness and touch things with my own hands and eyes that I'd only read about in books or watched documentaries on, on television...

I KNOW that he loves me. He's shown me much over the past few days.... I plan to spend the rest oft life showing him how grateful i am for all that he's done for me... My whole life long!!!

Thank you to ALL of you who gave in any sort of way.., so that I could go to one of the farthest corners of the earth and be reminded why i love Jesus like I do... And why I've dedicated my to serving both he, and his people... I'm any way he'll allow me to!!

I will NEVER forget all that I've experienced!! For The rest or my days!!