The "NESS" of that statement, fills my heart with so much gratitude & humility at this moment, it's almost overwhelming. As it SHOULD be. A little suburban urbanite like myself from Cincinnati, Ohio SHOULD, in my humble opinion, feel what I'm feeling at this very moment. However, when I awoke this morning.. I was feeling overwhelmed, but not in a good way.
I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I was overwhelmed by being UNDERwhelmed with myself. I felt inadequate, and I felt fraudulent. I felt like SOMEHOW, I'd managed to DUPE a bunch of people into believing that I was some "special talent"...and that the truth of the matter is that I'm just an "ok" singer, with a lot of excuses as to why I couldn't do what I'd come aaaaaaaall the way to japan to do.
My voice hasn't been in top condition in WEEKS... I've been battling negative thoughts, worry, and anxiety about it... This morning, I was LOSING that battle.
Today I gave an 80 min concert in chapel at Doshisha University. Due to the powerful combo pack of anxiety & jet lag from a 14hr time difference between home&here; I awoke about 6hrs before my alarm was set. I tried to pray.. ACTUALLY... I didn't really try to pray... I was more WHINING at God about how STUPID and INADEQUATE I was feeling... I also tried as much as I could to do some vocal warm ups...
Anyway.... To make a long story short.. After reaching out to friends on FB and asking for prayer... I went and did what I came here to do. As usual for me, as I poured my heart out in song, I forgot all about my worries. I forgot all about who I am and focused who HE is... And everything was beautiful. My perspective was back in the right place, and I was all too grateful for it.
After the concert, I was approached by several students who expressed their appreciation for my ministry. I gave a Christmas concert. A Christmas concert at nearly any college in America is nothing to really pay any special attention to. Doshisha University was the 1st Christian college in Japan, but most of it's students aren't Christian at all. So when a young male student approached me with his eyes filled to overflowing with tears, and told me that while I sang, he felt LOVED and that Christmas and the message of Christmas was for HIM, personally... I thought that my heart would stop...
Later in the afternoon, I spent time with a beautiful young lady who is also a student at Doshisha. We spent a couple of hours in conversation together. (THANK GOD for my incredible host, who served as a translator for the both of us.)
In that time she shared some of the issues that she was facing. Very deep, serious and personal issues... As soon as she began to tell me her story my eyes filled with tears. As I listened to her questions and concerns my mind went back to how I was feeling just hours before. How Ill-equipped and inadequate I'd felt. As she told me her story I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I HAD been equipped for this trip, and not only that, I'd been HAND PICKED by God for it. I KNEW, really and truly knew that I'd been sent, over 15,000 miles away from home to come and bring MYSELF, all of myself... hoarse voice, flaws and all to japan, to minister.
One of the questions I was asked while we spoke was, "Why do you sing Gospel music?" She elaborated on her question and asked why I CHOOSE to travel across the world to sing about Jesus. I could tell as I shared MORE of my testimony with her, that she was very shocked to know that she and I had very similar stories. In my opinion, neither one of us look at ALL like people who have experienced the kind of pain that we have. The candor and purity of her question struck me. I realized in that moment that I'd never been asked that question in that way. I searched my heart and gave her the most honest answer that I could. I choose to sing gospel music, I choose to "sacrifice" my time, my finances, and many other things because HE chose me. He chose to save me from the darkness that would have overtaken me. He chose to free me from the pain of the evil done to me at the hands of others, and he chose to free me of the pain I caused myself.
I don't say this poetically, I mean this truthfully and entirely... I SHOULD BE DEAD. There is NO other reason that I am alive today, BESIDES the Redeeming Love of Jesus. I was reminded today of the reason that I sing the songs that I sing, the way that I do. I have been loved, truly loved by the God of the universe. I have known the deepest depths of the darkest anguish, and I know by HEART, the song of the redeemed.
Today, I was reminded MYSELF of the reason that I sing... That reminder would have been precious to me had I been in PERFECT voice and able to sing every note I choose without hesitation, thought, or struggle. BUT, something in my own frailty, causes the reminder to be even more sweet, dear, and cherished....
I sing because, I am LOVED.. Truly loved, by God.
That's beautiful Lici...
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